My Uncontrollable Mind

By Fadia Bint Ismail

 

My Mind. My Thoughts are uncontrollable. Sometimes I sit and ponder one million thoughts clash together.

My Mind is out of control. I have No Peace.

Why? What If? This did not happen in my life. Why did it happen?

And then I stop myself. I AM A MUSLIM. Suddenly there is a sense of calmness. Knowing there is a higher power that is in control.

How can I question My Rabb. How can I find displeasure in his Decree.

O My Rabb. You test those whom you Love the Most. Guiding them on the Siraatul Mustaqeem.

O My Rabb. I am on my Knees. My hands are raised. Supplicating to you to ease my suffering, to ease my uncontrollable thoughts. To help me attain your mercy and your pleasure.

I lower my head realizing how I have come to this point. I have become my worst enemy. Ignoring the voice in my head. Ignoring the Angel that whispers to me every day.

My actions and my thoughts have lead me onto this dark path.

O My Rabb. Illuminate my path with your Noor.

O My Rabb. Forgive me. Allow me to start each day in obedience to you.

They say when tears flow from your eye’s it is either happiness or sorrow.

O My Rabb. My tears are filled with sorrow. My tears are filled with my disobedience toward you.

 

O My Rabb. Accept my repentance. Allow my tears to cool my eyes so that I may find happiness and contentment in what you have decreed.

O My Rabb. I realize now that you do not withhold things to punish me. But to leave my hands empty to receive what is better for me.

Wal ASR….By the Token of Time man is at a state of Loss. O My Rabb let me not fall into this state. Let my mind not wonder into procrastination; let my thoughts not attract the evil plot of Shaytaan.

O My Rabb. Help me to attain Ihsaan. Eemaan and Taqwah.

My Mind. My Thoughts are out of control.

When I am supplicating to you, O Allah….Facing you brings peace and tranquillity. O Allah allow me to remain in this state.

Cure me from my own destruction. Cure me from the destruction of My Mind.

My Uncontrollable thoughts.

Darkness

By Fadia Bint Ismail

I am surrounded by darkness. My heart feels like its crushing and falling into despair.

Beneath me i see the deepest darkest hole. I feel like i could just plunge and fall.

My hands and knees are on the ground. The tears are falling from my eyes.

My heart pounding like it could just explode. I feel like i have lost all senses.

This feeling is uncontrollable. A pit full of darkness, the darkness which as engulfed my entire being.

I reach out wrapping myself in my own arms. How did i get here? How did i fall so far? My senses are lost. My mind is out of control and my emotion has led me on a dark path of no return.

O Allah where are you i cry out. Where are you? O Allah save me.

O Allah i am not your most favourable slave. But i need you. My heart, My soul, My entire being longs for you.

My Emaan has weakened. O Allah please guide me. please take away the disturbances of my heart.

My head is on the ground. My hands stretched out. The tears will not stop.

O Allah. Forgive me. Bring me out of this darkness. I beseach to you in your beautiful names.

O Allah you are As-Salam The Source of Peace.

O Allah you are Al-Ghaffar, The Forgiving and the only one who can forgive.

O Allah you Al-Basit, The Reliever. Relieve me from my distress.

O Allah you are Al-Halim, The Forbearing. Help me to forbear this test, to remain patient in this quest.

O Allah you are Al-Muhyi, Al-Mumit, The Giver and Taker of Life. Help me to restore my life before i take my last breathe.

O Allah you are An-Nur, The Light. O Allah light my way.

Free me from this Darkness.

It was all just a Dream

 

 

By Fadia Bint Ismail

Standing on the edge of the cliff.

My arms spread out wide.

My eyes locked on the sight below me.

Waves gushing against the rocks. The breeze brushing against my face.

I am ready. Ready to jump. I close my eyes imagining how i would drop to my destruction. How i had come to this point. The point where i feel like falling and never waking up.

A rush of thoughts entered my mind. What have i done to myself? What have i done to my soul? I have disobeyed Allah. I have broken my promises and brought destruction to myself.

At this point the tears are rolling down my face. I feel like i have no hope.

I am moving closer to the edge. Ready to fall into the raging waters beneath me.

Suddenly i hear a voice. A hand clutching mine trying to pull me back.

I turn around. Staring at me is my own reflection. The sadness fills my eyes, What am i doing to myself. Darkness was surrounding me.

A beaming light shot at me and i opened my eyes. I awoke in a frantic state.

It was just a dream. It was just a dream.

I sat up, my face immersed in my palms crying out. O Allah you have saved me.

When darkness surrounded me and i felt i had no hope. O Allah you saved me.

When sadness and grief filled my heart. O Allah you illuminated my soul and uplifted my heart.

When my sins were as tall as a mountain. O Allah you forgave me. You are Most oft-Most Forgiving-Most Merciful.

When everyone left me in despair. O Allah you showed me that you would always be there. You are Al Wadud-The most Loved.

When i was standing on the edge ready to jump. O Allah you held my hand and pulled me back.

O Allah the most praisworthy, the sustainer, the provider and giver of all things my faith in you will never deteriorate. My faith in you will grow with each passing day.

My reflection, my eyes, my hands, my voice, my heart and my soul. O Allah you have blessed me.

It was all just a dream. O Allah you saved me.

To My Destiny

 

By Fadia Bint Ismail

O Allah if i should love someone let my love be for the sake of you.

O Allah as much as you love our Nabi (SAW) allow me to love him as much as you do for he is our intecessor on the day of Qiyamah.

O Allah if the one i love, loves his shaykh let my heart feel content to love what you have sent to guide us in immense blessing.

O Allah as much as i love my parents allow me to love the one i loves parents as much as mine for their blessings are what will make our life tranquil.

O Allah guide us warm our hearts and remind us of your love.

A Poem for My Mother

By Fadia Bint Ismail

 

My Dear Mother for 9 months you sheltered me within your womb.

Now born. You Held me within your arms cradling me within your lap.

O My Darling Mother you have nutured me, feed me, protected me and held my hands before i took my first step.

You whispered in my ears the words the words of our Rasul (SAW) before you laid me to rest to give me protection from the evils that crept.

With each step of my life.

With each year i grew older you were my strength. You were my protection. You were the light that led my way.

O My Mother, My Love and My Strength. Jannah lies beneath your feet. I wish you never have to weep.

O My Mother I Love You more with each passing day for your love never waivers, your love is unconditional.

From the moment Allah (SWT) blessed you with offspring. You instilled in me the qualities of the As Sabirun, the qualities of the Sahabiyaat, the qualities that will enrich my life and be a blessing for the one who Allah has set out for me.

O My Mother each year you grow older. Each wrinkle you have. Each smile and Each Tear you shed truly reflects all that you have endured for me.

O My Mother no amount of gratitude could make up for what you have given me.

So i sit each day, upon my prayer mat making dua to Allah. The Giver. The Protector. The Sustainer. The One who gives Baraka and Khair.

May he shower you with Raghmah and continous strength. Through out your old age.

From Your Loving Daughter Fadia.

What im Proud Of

By Fadia Bint Ismail

I used to be proud of what i had.

What did i do wrong to diminsh the love he held for me.

I was a thornless rose he held in his hands.

I lost my composure. As our Nabi (SAW) said not to. But i was to stubborn to see the right way.

I sit alone. My eyes are closed. Im walking on this empty road.

My heart feels full of pain. But Allah the One and Only will ease my pain.

What if? are words which should never touch our lips. This is Shaytaan’s trap.

What if? I never lost myself.

What if? but those are thoughts i should let go of.

O Allah; The One who gives me radiance and sunshine, help me wipe away my tears, help me love what you have set out for me. O Allah fill my heart with that which pleases you. Fill my heart with the love of your Rasul (SAW).

Embed in me the character of those Sahabiyaat before me. O Allah help me lead a righteous life from all this evil strife.

Let my eyes see what is pure. Let my hands touch what is good. Let my lips speak what is morally sound and let my heart and soul be for you Alone.

O Allah, My heart is full of gratitude. You have guided me. With all the pain and the tears. The words on my lips i utter, Alhamdulilah. That is what i am proud of.

Going Through The Motions

 

By Fadia Bint Ismail

 

Going through the motions not knowing what to do.

I feel like im on an everlasting wave which wont set onto the shore.

I hold out my hands trying to grasp at what is ahead of me, but my hands wont let me hold onto it.

Illusions? Yes this is all this Dunya is.

Im chasing a shadow. Im chasing what is not meant to be.

My Heart feels tortured. But i smile silently but inside i am dying.

O Allah the turner and controller of hearts can only ease what i feel.

I close my eyes supplicating to the one most merciful to free my heart and fill my soul with his love.

O Allah, Al Kabir (The Most Great) give me that which you want for me.

O Allah, Al Muqtadir (The Powerful) only you know what is to be, only you can ease the pain that i feel.

O Allah, Al Hadi (The Guide) Guide me to everlasting peace, make me amongst the As-Sabirun.

O Allah i supplicate to you. Im riding on this wave. Al Waliy (The Protector) protect me, watch over me.

Let your name be the last words i speak before i take My Last Breathe.

 

 

Letting GO

 

 

By Fadia Bint Ismail

I am on my knees. My face in the palms of my hands. Tears flowing from my eyes.

O Allah each drop that falls is only for you.

O Allah you made me realise that i should let go. Letting go of everything that took me away from you.

I put my head onto the ground. My head is at the lowest point to worship you. O Allah fill my heart with your love do not let me fall apart allow me to remain steadfast.

I lift my head up staring into the palms of my hands. I feel your warmth. I feel your light shining upon me.

I am letting go for the sake of you. I am letting  go for my love for you.

O Allah you have blessed me with so much. How will i ever repay you.

When You look at Me

 

 

When you look at me all you can see is the scard that covers my hair.

My words you can not hear because you are to full of fear, mouth gaping all you do is stare.

You think its not my choice, in your liberation you rejoice, your so thankful that you are not me,

You think that i am uneducated, trapped, opressed and subjugated, Your so thankful that you are free,

But WESTERN WOMEN, you have it all wrong, your the weak and im the strong, for i have rejected the trap of man, fancy clothes, low neck, short skirt, these are devices for pain and hurt,Im not falling for that little plan. Always jumping to the male agenda,competing on his terms, No job, No creche facilities, No feeding and nappy changing amentaties, No time off for Menstrual pain, “hormones” they laugh what a shame.No equal pay, for equal skill, Your job they can always fill, No promotion unless your sterilised, no promotion unless your sexually terrorised…and you call this LIBERATION!!

Im A person with ideas and thoughts, im not for sale and i can not be bought, i wont decorate anyones arm nor be promoted as a charm, there is more to me than playing coy.

Living life is a balancing game, who thought up this modern freedom, where man can love them and man can leave them, this is not free but love in a cage.

WESTERN women you can have your life, mine is less strife, i cover and i get respected, surely thats what is to be expected, for i wont demean the feminine, i wont life to a male criterion, i dance in my own tune and i hope you see this very soon, for your own sake wake up and use your sight/

Hijaab Only My Choice

When i walk along the way, the people just stare at me in dismay.

They think that i am forced to wear “that thing” but i actually wear it for Allah “THE KING”

Maybe they think im not free, just because i wear a head scarf on me, but thats not true, I am really free i wear it for Allah, the ALMIGHTY.

The way we dress is not to show some skin, but for people to judge us not by our body, but from within, they might call me names or even start to stare, but what keeps me going is knowing Allah is there,so when you pass me walking down the street, dont think that i am forced to cover myself up to my feet, its a simple way to be modest and humble,

So dont be next to me and start to grumble, i feel proud and tall when i wear my Hijaab. because i have nothing to expose, Now you could only judge my character and my personality and not how i dress myself, but for my morality. So this scard that i have on , ITS MY CHOICE so dont be alarmed, i feel right and true when i put my HIJAAB on from the start, its because it calmed me, purified me and soothed my heart, but really the only difference between you and me is that i cover my hair and body, so if any of you see me and hear my voice, just know what i wear is ONLY MY CHOICE,